My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize