I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
