Cold hands, warm shart.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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