i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
