thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
