Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
