3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
