Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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