i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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