your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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