I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
