I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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