I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
