My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
