Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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