I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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