Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
We smell like vodka and hangover
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