Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
