If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
