It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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