I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
