How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
