My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
