drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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