I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
