ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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