how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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