Pants 0. Shit 1.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
