So drunk, too bad you don't want this
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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