dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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