just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
