a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
