it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.