she woke up with a sticky ear
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
