hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
there's paper in my vomit.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.