weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.