She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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