i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
