Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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