Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
