Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
