I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
