Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
