If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
