OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
