my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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