So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
