running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I think I just shit out all my problems.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
