Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
