I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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