I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
