the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
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