Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
