Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
