If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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