I like my sex mixed with concussions.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
