my vag is so smooth its legendary
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
