i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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