My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
