If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Little spoons don't ask big questions
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
