There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
