He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
