During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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