Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
